Child-inclusive mediation, where the mediator or psychologist conducts a child interview during the mediation of a separation or divorce, provides the child, depending on their age, maturity and stage of development, with an opportunity to tell their story and express their views in a safe, confidential environment. It will assist parents either at the beginning or end stages of their relationship breakup, to better understand how their child is coping with the separation – views that may not be expressed constructively in the confines of the family dynamic.
AGREEING ON A PARENTING PLAN
As a mediator, I am frequently asked: “If children are allowed to participate in the mediation process, does this mean that they will make the decisions with regard to the terms concerning their lifestyle?” Decisions made during the mediation sessions that concern the children, are made while the parents work together drafting a parental plan, or parental rights and responsibilities agreement, depending on their marital status, and at any stage of their separation. This document contains the finer, more realistic details of the routine and structure that pertain to that particular family with regard to the children’s care, contact, guardianship, residence and maintenance. For example, if Mother’s Day falls on dad’s weekend, the other parent will step in.
EXPLAINING THE PARENTING PLAN TO THE CHILDREN
Once most of the decisions relevant to the children are made, the contents of the document are explained to the children. They are then given the opportunity to discuss their concerns individually and even make reasonable contributions to the document, which they feel will make the transition and adjustment for them more comfortable. Their request to be with mom on Mother’s Day or with dad when mom is away can assist parents to decide on their final draft.
CHILDREN’S REQUESTS
For instance during an interview I conducted, a child, aged 5, asked if she could take her favourite fairy princess toy with her when she stays with dad, “Just in case I miss my mum”. When the parents agreed to her request, in her follow-up interview she responded with “That’s great! Then my fairy princess can see all the fun we have at dad’s house and she can let mum know that I am ok.” Older children usually ask that the contact schedule not interfere too drastically with their academic year to allow them to cope with the pressures both at home and at school.
BENEFIT OF CHILD INCLUSION
Mediating your parenting plan coupled with the child interview ensures that the decisions made are not carved in stone independent of your child’s needs. This document, even after it has been made an order of the court, is an evolving one and caters for each developmental stage of your child. It must contain a review clause for when your children have outgrown the terms or when conflicting issues surrounding their needs have arisen.
Many of the children I have interviewed have expressed their gratitude to their parents for including them in the process. By being involved they felt motivated to carry out the terms of the new routine as a two-household family with less anxiety and uncertainty. This gave them the confidence that the decisions made were done with their best interests at heart.
